Dear Stranger sitting next to me in class today,
I'm so sorry. I wish I could have turned around and explained myself. I wish you knew me and knew that I am pregnant and therefore have a very credible excuse. I wish I could have had the courage to face you. If I was facing you, then perhaps you would not have suffered as much.
You see, I can't control what is going on in my body. I have very little say in the things that I do. Well, I do have some control, ya know...but just not of everything.
For example, I seem to have no control over my emotions. And tears cannot be held back no matter how hard I try. So you can imagine how difficult it is to watch Grey's Anatomy. And then when I re-tell the story to my husband, I have no control over the fact that I look like a crazy person.
I also have no control over the smells that now cause me to retch and gag and feel so angry at the offensive owner of the smell that I consider assault.
I have no control over my entire gastrointestinal system at all, as a matter of fact. Everything sounds and tastes disgusting. But, of course, if I don't eat anything, I will violently vomit up every ounce of bile in my tummy.
I know this is all TMI, but I'm just trying to explain to you why you should forgive me. Because it's not my fault. I can't control it!
There is a LIFE growing inside of me lady! A HUMAN BEING. Who is currently growing FINGERNAILS! That's right! I'm making FINGER NAILS in my womb at this very moment. Turns out it's kinda hard making finger nails. And intestines, and brains, and skin, and stuff. And my body is kind of tired. So give me a break! Please do not be angry! Do not be disgusted! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!
What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry that I sat in the seat immediately next to you, turned my back to you, and farted 13 times. I could smell it so I know you could smell it too. And I'm sorry. But as we've already established, I couldn't help it. It's not my fault. Blame my baby (I won't tell). Personally, I'm just glad I didn't poop on myself because for a minute there I actually thought that might happen.
So again, I'm sorry.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Bare Honesty
Me: Is your child still in the room?
Best friend: No.
Me: Good, cuz I want to show you these boobs. They're out of control.
Best friend: I'm so glad you offered because I was curious and I didn't know if it was awkward to ask.
That's what friends are for.
Best friend: No.
Me: Good, cuz I want to show you these boobs. They're out of control.
Best friend: I'm so glad you offered because I was curious and I didn't know if it was awkward to ask.
That's what friends are for.
Toddler Thoughts on Pregnancy, Part 2
Niece: Kitty is there still a seed in your belly?
Me: Well, it's more like an embryo now but...yes.
Niece: Can I see it?
Me: (chuckles) well...no because it's inside me. We can't see it until it comes out.
Niece: Please? Just for a little bit?
Me: That's not the way it works...when it comes out do you think the baby will be a boy or a girl?
Niece: mmm...a boy.
Me: Ok. And what should we name that boy?
Niece: mmm...Charlie!
Me: Charlie? Why Charlie?
Niece: I dunno. I like that name...or Keisha!
Me: (laughs)
Niece: and then me and you and Charlie or Keisha can go play!
So there we have it, a future baby Charlie or Keisha! It is spoken.
Me: Well, it's more like an embryo now but...yes.
Niece: Can I see it?
Me: (chuckles) well...no because it's inside me. We can't see it until it comes out.
Niece: Please? Just for a little bit?
Me: That's not the way it works...when it comes out do you think the baby will be a boy or a girl?
Niece: mmm...a boy.
Me: Ok. And what should we name that boy?
Niece: mmm...Charlie!
Me: Charlie? Why Charlie?
Niece: I dunno. I like that name...or Keisha!
Me: (laughs)
Niece: and then me and you and Charlie or Keisha can go play!
So there we have it, a future baby Charlie or Keisha! It is spoken.
Toddler Thoughts on Pregnancy, Part 1
My 3 year old niece was listening in when I video chatted with my family and told them I was pregnant. She heard her mother, my best friend (and my brother's wife), talk about her dizziness and how she was chased by bees while dizzy, which caused her to fall down. Niece-face LATCHED onto this story and I proceeded to get multiple calls from her over the next few days...
Niece: Kitty, before you go I just want to say to watch out for the bees.
---
phone rings, caller ID says it's my mother
Me: Hey mom!
Niece: Kitty, I just really don't want the bees to make you fall down cuz you're dizzy and there's a baby in your belly. Ok? Love you! Bye!
--
phone rings
Me: Hello?
Niece: Kitty. The bees. Watch out for the bees. Bye!
--
Phone rings again
Me: hello...
Niece: ...I'm just really worried about the bees and you falling down. Ok. Bye.
She's really wondering why nobody else is acknowledging the severity of this bee situation. I suppose I'll be sure to watch out for bees.
Niece: Kitty, before you go I just want to say to watch out for the bees.
---
phone rings, caller ID says it's my mother
Me: Hey mom!
Niece: Kitty, I just really don't want the bees to make you fall down cuz you're dizzy and there's a baby in your belly. Ok? Love you! Bye!
--
phone rings
Me: Hello?
Niece: Kitty. The bees. Watch out for the bees. Bye!
--
Phone rings again
Me: hello...
Niece: ...I'm just really worried about the bees and you falling down. Ok. Bye.
She's really wondering why nobody else is acknowledging the severity of this bee situation. I suppose I'll be sure to watch out for bees.
Lost in Translation
Quite possibly the most awkward and hilarious conversation I've had thus far...
After our initial blood test, my doctor called and said she wanted to do some extra tests because she was concerned about an early miscarriage. That's one word that can freak out a pregnant lady as soon as it's spoken. So of course, hubby and I were hyper-vigilant about the things that could help or hurt a pregnancy. Specifically, we were wondering if I could still take certain over the counter medications and if orgasms would harm an as of yet precarious pregnancy. The internet and our pregnancy book had all kinds of answers...none of them were the same. So we took our questions to our doctor. And behold the most awkward conversation I've ever had in the middle of a nurses' station:
N = new nurse I had never seen before. Her spoken English has not quite reached the fluency level.
S = me
H = hubby, standing and observing silently for most of conversation
N = Ok, so you said you had questions for doctor...
S = Yes...about medication and other activities
N = (typing) Ok..."medication." What kind of medication?
S = I want to know if I can take benadryl.
N = Ok..."benadryl" That's the name of the medication?
S = ...yes.
N = Ok..."wants to know if she can take benadryl." Ok. And you said something else? Another question for doctor?
S = yes...I want to know...if it's ok to have an orgasm while we're waiting for these test results. I dunno if it'll like...jostle the embryo or something.
N = Ok. An orgasm.
S = yes.
N = and what is orgasm?
S = um...well...it's like what happens to you at the end of sex sometimes. Ya know, like climax.
N = Ok. Yes. So it is like exercise.
S = not...quite.
N = Oh so it is a medication?? (completely straight face)
S = no...it's more of...an experience (trying very hard not to look at hubby or other nurses because I'm sure I will die of laughter if I do)
N = I do not understand.
S = It's an experience of like waves rushing over your body that feels really good during sex...(i'm hoping she gets this one because I truly don't know how else to explain it)
N = Oh. Ohhhhhh!!!!! Like waves (runs hands over body and smiles)
S = yes...like that...
N = Ok. I ask her (walks away)
H = (quietly) I feel like that's a word she should know...
giggles abounded.
After our initial blood test, my doctor called and said she wanted to do some extra tests because she was concerned about an early miscarriage. That's one word that can freak out a pregnant lady as soon as it's spoken. So of course, hubby and I were hyper-vigilant about the things that could help or hurt a pregnancy. Specifically, we were wondering if I could still take certain over the counter medications and if orgasms would harm an as of yet precarious pregnancy. The internet and our pregnancy book had all kinds of answers...none of them were the same. So we took our questions to our doctor. And behold the most awkward conversation I've ever had in the middle of a nurses' station:
N = new nurse I had never seen before. Her spoken English has not quite reached the fluency level.
S = me
H = hubby, standing and observing silently for most of conversation
N = Ok, so you said you had questions for doctor...
S = Yes...about medication and other activities
N = (typing) Ok..."medication." What kind of medication?
S = I want to know if I can take benadryl.
N = Ok..."benadryl" That's the name of the medication?
S = ...yes.
N = Ok..."wants to know if she can take benadryl." Ok. And you said something else? Another question for doctor?
S = yes...I want to know...if it's ok to have an orgasm while we're waiting for these test results. I dunno if it'll like...jostle the embryo or something.
N = Ok. An orgasm.
S = yes.
N = and what is orgasm?
S = um...well...it's like what happens to you at the end of sex sometimes. Ya know, like climax.
N = Ok. Yes. So it is like exercise.
S = not...quite.
N = Oh so it is a medication?? (completely straight face)
S = no...it's more of...an experience (trying very hard not to look at hubby or other nurses because I'm sure I will die of laughter if I do)
N = I do not understand.
S = It's an experience of like waves rushing over your body that feels really good during sex...(i'm hoping she gets this one because I truly don't know how else to explain it)
N = Oh. Ohhhhhh!!!!! Like waves (runs hands over body and smiles)
S = yes...like that...
N = Ok. I ask her (walks away)
H = (quietly) I feel like that's a word she should know...
giggles abounded.
How Do You Knooooow You're Pregnant?*
*to the tune of the song from Enchanted (not my property, all rights reserved, yada yada yada)
The initial conversations behind the positive test(s) that started it all!!! This is a loooong one because it contains many stories.
One day while driving back from practicum, the song that was used in our wedding slide show came on the radio and I began to cry. Nay, to sob. I was done driving before the song was over so I continued to sit in my car, singing and crying with Ruben Stoddard as my emotional soundtrack.
Once inside, I began to watch some online television and a commercial for Hallmark came on. And. I. Lost. It. Waterworks. Blubber city.
So of course I posted about it on Facebook. And a friend sent me a private message in response, "saw your facebook post. do you need to pee on a stick?"
And I laughed.
A week or so later, I had a horrible experience at a nail salon that drove me to tears. At the time, it felt like the sadness equivalent of a million puppies drowning, watching PS, I Love You on my period, and learning that my favorite restaurant closed without warning as I'm driving to get my favorite meal from there. But looking back, I think hormones might have had something to do with the emotional outburst that caused my sweet husband to ask me if I wanted him to "go back in there and talk to that guy?!?!?"
When I recounted this story to my aunt at my Christmas party, she too wondered aloud if it might be time to pee on some sticks.
Chuckles abounded!
A few days after that, our young adult ministry had a Christmas party. Earlier in the day, I had a meeting that I felt strangely nauseous for. When it came time to go to the party, I was in the foulest of moods and hated everyone (which is strange, because I love people so much...especially those people!!). Not only was I crabby, but the nausea came back too! All the delicious food and I couldn't bring myself to eat any of it!
As I sat near the food table trying to coax a string bean into my mouth I confided in a friend how nauseous I was feeling. And she said:
"It's probably that baby in your belly."
I was too irritable and nauseous to laugh at her. And newlyweds will tell you that hardly a week goes by when somebody doesn't make a pregnancy joke about you, so I didn't think too much about it.
Later, hilariously (in hindsight), I chose a trio of socks for my white elephant gift. The trio included what looked like mommy socks, daddy socks, and itty bitty baby socks. We all laughed at the fact that the only married woman in the room would pick that gift. Our friends jokingly called it prophetic and we took pictures with the socks on my belly. Turns out, I actually was pregnant in that moment...ha HA!
After we got home, me cheered up by our friends but still nauseous, I had a strange urge to buy some vitamins. Prenatal ones. Hubby obliged (bless his heart; it was like 10pm). While we were there, I thought it could be useful to simply have some pregnancy tests on hand.
The next morning, as I was getting up to go to practicum, I thought..."why don't I just pee on a stick?" Hubby was gone so no one would be the wiser. I read every word of the instructions and one line stuck out to me: "No matter how faint of a line you see, a line is a line." Or something like that.
So I peed on the stick. Waited three minutes. Rolled my eyes at myself before I looked at the test because this was just so silly. And then my heart stopped when I saw the faintest of lines. I was in total disbelief so I ran to the hallway to get the other stick to see if maybe the line is a little visible before you pee on it. Nope.
I clean up and hide the evidence of this insanity. I decide to not tell my husband until I'm sure. I'm convinced this must be a mistake. I do NOT believe that I'm pregnant. And if I am, I want to tell him in some adorable way. But, unseen to me, a 1/4inch piece of the shiny pink wrapper falls into the living room trashcan.
I call my doctor who tells me to calm the heck down and come in for a urine test and to get a blood test if that's negative.
I go to practicum feeling relatively normal, if only a pinch freaked out. Then my body starts to go INSANE. I poop THREE times. It's like I can't stop. The room starts spinning. I get hot and nauseous. And when I go to lunch, they're having delicious chicken wings that all of the sudden look as appealing to me as iced vomit on sticks. So I decide to go home. But first I go to the doctor, deciding to talk to her about this possible stomach bug I might have that's making me feel like this. The tiniest thought of a baby in my belly makes me drive veeeeery slowly. I tell ya, that maternal instinct kicks in FAST!
Arrive at doctor's office. Pee in a cup. She returns with a completely unreadable face.
Nurse: The test was negative.
Me: ...but I had a positive one this morning...
Nurse: Oh, did you use like an EPT or something?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: Oh well then you're probably pregnant.
Me: ?????? (give crazy eye)
Nurse: those tests are stronger than ours
So I get the blood test. I want to get a little shirt that says "I love my daddy" but I didn't want to have something tangible to make me sad if I wasn't pregnant...since I was officially getting a little excited. So I just drove home, planning to sneak back out after I saw my results online.
I'm sitting on the couch, trying to be normal when hubby asks:
"did you take a pregnancy test today?"
I can't think of a lie quickly enough and I struggled with the idea of lying to him anyway. So I said nothing. And then I started to wonder how in the world he knew!!!
Hubby: It's just...I found this in the trash can when I knocked it over (holds up most tiny piece of paper ever to exist)
Me: And you just knew it was from a pregnancy test taken today!?!?!?!?
Hubby: (chuckles) well the wrapping isn't discrete and I know we just bought some last night...so did you take one?
dang. distraction didn't work.
Me: Yes. (hoping he will drop it, return attention to computer)
Hubby: (staring at me with eyebrows lifted)...AND?????
Me:...it was positive.
Hubby: (freaks out with happiness as I tell him the story of the day and we wait for the blood tests to come in).
Blood test came later. Positive. Oh, baby...
The initial conversations behind the positive test(s) that started it all!!! This is a loooong one because it contains many stories.
One day while driving back from practicum, the song that was used in our wedding slide show came on the radio and I began to cry. Nay, to sob. I was done driving before the song was over so I continued to sit in my car, singing and crying with Ruben Stoddard as my emotional soundtrack.
Once inside, I began to watch some online television and a commercial for Hallmark came on. And. I. Lost. It. Waterworks. Blubber city.
So of course I posted about it on Facebook. And a friend sent me a private message in response, "saw your facebook post. do you need to pee on a stick?"
And I laughed.
A week or so later, I had a horrible experience at a nail salon that drove me to tears. At the time, it felt like the sadness equivalent of a million puppies drowning, watching PS, I Love You on my period, and learning that my favorite restaurant closed without warning as I'm driving to get my favorite meal from there. But looking back, I think hormones might have had something to do with the emotional outburst that caused my sweet husband to ask me if I wanted him to "go back in there and talk to that guy?!?!?"
When I recounted this story to my aunt at my Christmas party, she too wondered aloud if it might be time to pee on some sticks.
Chuckles abounded!
A few days after that, our young adult ministry had a Christmas party. Earlier in the day, I had a meeting that I felt strangely nauseous for. When it came time to go to the party, I was in the foulest of moods and hated everyone (which is strange, because I love people so much...especially those people!!). Not only was I crabby, but the nausea came back too! All the delicious food and I couldn't bring myself to eat any of it!
As I sat near the food table trying to coax a string bean into my mouth I confided in a friend how nauseous I was feeling. And she said:
"It's probably that baby in your belly."
I was too irritable and nauseous to laugh at her. And newlyweds will tell you that hardly a week goes by when somebody doesn't make a pregnancy joke about you, so I didn't think too much about it.
Later, hilariously (in hindsight), I chose a trio of socks for my white elephant gift. The trio included what looked like mommy socks, daddy socks, and itty bitty baby socks. We all laughed at the fact that the only married woman in the room would pick that gift. Our friends jokingly called it prophetic and we took pictures with the socks on my belly. Turns out, I actually was pregnant in that moment...ha HA!
After we got home, me cheered up by our friends but still nauseous, I had a strange urge to buy some vitamins. Prenatal ones. Hubby obliged (bless his heart; it was like 10pm). While we were there, I thought it could be useful to simply have some pregnancy tests on hand.
The next morning, as I was getting up to go to practicum, I thought..."why don't I just pee on a stick?" Hubby was gone so no one would be the wiser. I read every word of the instructions and one line stuck out to me: "No matter how faint of a line you see, a line is a line." Or something like that.
So I peed on the stick. Waited three minutes. Rolled my eyes at myself before I looked at the test because this was just so silly. And then my heart stopped when I saw the faintest of lines. I was in total disbelief so I ran to the hallway to get the other stick to see if maybe the line is a little visible before you pee on it. Nope.
I clean up and hide the evidence of this insanity. I decide to not tell my husband until I'm sure. I'm convinced this must be a mistake. I do NOT believe that I'm pregnant. And if I am, I want to tell him in some adorable way. But, unseen to me, a 1/4inch piece of the shiny pink wrapper falls into the living room trashcan.
I call my doctor who tells me to calm the heck down and come in for a urine test and to get a blood test if that's negative.
I go to practicum feeling relatively normal, if only a pinch freaked out. Then my body starts to go INSANE. I poop THREE times. It's like I can't stop. The room starts spinning. I get hot and nauseous. And when I go to lunch, they're having delicious chicken wings that all of the sudden look as appealing to me as iced vomit on sticks. So I decide to go home. But first I go to the doctor, deciding to talk to her about this possible stomach bug I might have that's making me feel like this. The tiniest thought of a baby in my belly makes me drive veeeeery slowly. I tell ya, that maternal instinct kicks in FAST!
Arrive at doctor's office. Pee in a cup. She returns with a completely unreadable face.
Nurse: The test was negative.
Me: ...but I had a positive one this morning...
Nurse: Oh, did you use like an EPT or something?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: Oh well then you're probably pregnant.
Me: ?????? (give crazy eye)
Nurse: those tests are stronger than ours
So I get the blood test. I want to get a little shirt that says "I love my daddy" but I didn't want to have something tangible to make me sad if I wasn't pregnant...since I was officially getting a little excited. So I just drove home, planning to sneak back out after I saw my results online.
I'm sitting on the couch, trying to be normal when hubby asks:
"did you take a pregnancy test today?"
I can't think of a lie quickly enough and I struggled with the idea of lying to him anyway. So I said nothing. And then I started to wonder how in the world he knew!!!
Hubby: It's just...I found this in the trash can when I knocked it over (holds up most tiny piece of paper ever to exist)
Me: And you just knew it was from a pregnancy test taken today!?!?!?!?
Hubby: (chuckles) well the wrapping isn't discrete and I know we just bought some last night...so did you take one?
dang. distraction didn't work.
Me: Yes. (hoping he will drop it, return attention to computer)
Hubby: (staring at me with eyebrows lifted)...AND?????
Me:...it was positive.
Hubby: (freaks out with happiness as I tell him the story of the day and we wait for the blood tests to come in).
Blood test came later. Positive. Oh, baby...
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